It's not like I have never gossiped about people, but in this post, I won't be judging anyone, I am encouraging myself and anybody else to think before we all speak.
In Chinese it is shén-tán; in Finnish, juoru; in Italian, pettegolézzo; in Spanish, chisme. Yes, gossip is universal. In some languages, gossip may have an outright negative connotation. In English the word “gossip” basically means “idle talk,” chat about trivial matters.
Interestingly, though, the English term has acquired a negative connotation. “Gossip” is thus frequently preceded by the word “malicious” or “hurtful.” This is because idle talk so often amounts to hurtful or troublemaking talk. It may even turn into outright slander, which has been defined as “the utterance of false charges or misrepresentations which defame and damage another’s reputation.” Little wonder, then, that an ancient proverb says: “Gossip brings anger just as surely as the north wind brings rain.”—Proverbs 25:23
There is a rather basic reason for gossip: People are interested in people. Naturally, then, we are prone to talk about other people. As Max Gluckman, an anthropologist, once stated: “Every single day, and for a large part of each day, most of us are engaged in gossiping. I imagine that if we were to keep a record of how we use our waking-time, gossiping would come only after ‘work’—for some of us—in the score.”
When moderate and kind, casual talk may serve to exchange useful information, as a means of catching up on the latest goings-on. It may involve such innocent things as who got married, who is pregnant, and who died, or it may just be humorous talk that is free of malicious intent.
All too often, though, idle talk strays beyond the bounds of propriety and good taste. Facts are embellished, exaggerated, or distorted. Humiliation is made the source of humor. Privacy is violated. Confidences are betrayed. Reputations are injured or ruined. Things worthy of praise are obscured by complaining, murmuring, and faultfinding. That no harm was intended is of little solace to the one spoken about. Harmful gossip has thus been compared to mud thrown on a clean wall. It may not stick, but it always leaves a dirty mark.
Another reason we may easily be drawn into gossip is our natural desire to be liked and accepted by others. “For one reason or another,” wrote psychologists John Sabini and Maury Silver, “you have an obligation to talk; and gossip is a pleasant, easy, and universally accepted way to fulfill the obligation.” (Moralities of Everyday Life) To an extent, then, gossip is useful conversational fuel, a means to fit in.
The problem is that people tend to get far more excited about negative information than about positive information. Some even seem to enjoy being shocked by the sensational and the outrageous. Gossip is thus a real attention getter—the more lurid or scandalous the juicy tidbit, the better. Rarely is there any concern for substantiating shocking allegations.
This kind of gossip appeals to yet another human foible—inordinate curiosity. We love secrets. We enjoy being in the know. As early as 1730, when Benjamin Franklin began writing a gossip column for the Pennsylvania Gazette, it was discerned that people would pay for gossip.
Media gossip continues to survive—and thrive. In Europe newsstands virtually overflow with tabloids featuring stories about royal families, auto racers, and other international celebrities. One newspaper article thus called gossip big business.
But is it beneficial to be obsessively curious about what goes on in the privacy of people’s homes, bedrooms, and minds? Can the reading and viewing of material that tends to arouse prurient desires possibly be healthy? Obviously, media gossip takes curiosity beyond reasonable limits.
Unfounded rumors and misinformation have also provided fuel for harmful gossip. During the American Civil War, endless vinelike strands of telegraph lines were strung between military posts. The “grapevine” thus became a symbol of unconfirmed news, and the expression “I heard it through the grapevine” became a popular excuse for passing on unfounded rumors.
Unfortunately, the grapevine often yields bitter fruit. Rumors have been responsible for panic, death, and havoc. The cost to business alone has been incalculable. One fast-food restaurant chain spent more than a year combating a false rumor that its hamburgers contained worms. A company known for manufacturing soap products spent years—and millions of dollars—trying to squelch a rumor that its corporate symbol was the insignia of Satan and that the company itself was somehow involved in demon worship.
It is individuals, though, who suffer the greatest heartache and damage from rumors. Yet, because wild stories tend to be fascinating, people are inclined to promote them with little regard for the truth or for the consequences.
Envy and hate are often at the root of the most destructive form of gossip—malicious gossip, or slander.
THE young woman’s suicide shocked the quiet English town. Even more startling was the conclusion of the coroner’s jury: ‘She was killed by idle gossip!’ Evidently, the young woman’s name, her reputation, and ultimately her life were ruined by the town’s malicious idle talk.—Rumor and Gossip—The Social Psychology of Hearsay, by Ralph L. Rosnow and Gary Alan Fine.
Although the results are rarely that tragic, there is little question that gossip has awesome power. On the one hand, it may be credited as a common means of exchanging useful information. On the other hand, it may be held accountable for governmental turmoil, the splitting of families, the ruining of careers.
Gossip has been blamed for sleepless nights, heartache, and indigestion. And no doubt it has caused you some personal anguish at one time or another. In fact, writer William M. Jones warns that in the world of business, “you have to accept the possibility that in the course of your career somebody will try to get a knife between your shoulder blades.”
Negative gossip is almost universally frowned upon. Among the Seminole Indians of the United States, “talking bad about anyone” is put in the same category as lying and stealing. In one West African community, talebearers risked having their lips cut off or, even worse, they risked being executed! Indeed, throughout history, measures have been taken to curb gossip.
Between the 15th and 18th centuries, the so-called ducking stool was popularly used in England, in Germany, and, later, in the United States to try to shame gossipers into quitting their harmful chatter. One found guilty of the offense would be tied to a chair and repeatedly ducked in water.
While the ducking stool has long since gone the way of the pillory and stocks, a war against gossip has been carried on even in modern times. During the 1960’s, for example, so-called rumor-control centers were established in the United States to respond to rumors that were potentially harmful to government activities. Similar services have operated in Northern Ireland and in England. Laws have even been passed to curb gossip that is designed to cause economic damage to certain financial institutions.
Such efforts notwithstanding, gossip survives. It is alive and flourishing. Neither law nor any other human method has thus far succeeded in extinguishing its scorching power. Gossip is everywhere. There is neighborhood gossip, office gossip, shop gossip, party gossip, family gossip. It transcends all cultures, races, and civilizations, and it has flourished at every level of society. One expert said: “Gossip is so common it is almost like breathing.” He also said: ‘It is deeply a part of human nature.’
True, gossip often reveals a very dark side of human nature, a side that delights in tarnishing reputations, distorting the truth, and destroying lives. Yet, gossip is not inherently evil. There is a positive side to casual talk. And knowing where to draw the line between harmful and harmless gossip is the key to avoiding victimizing others—and being a victim yourself.
So how can you avoid stepping over the line of propriety and indulging in harmful gossip? How might you protect yourself from it?Let us look at just some of this advice
1. Bite Your Tongue: It has been said that “conversation is an exercise of the mind, but gossiping is merely an exercise of the tongue.” Really, most injurious speech reflects, not malice, but a failure to think before speaking. Some blab the business of others; they spice, exaggerate, and distort with little thought to the consequences. They expose to others the faults of their friends, mates, and children without even discerning the damage they inflict.
2. Do Not Listen to Hurtful Gossip.What would happen to ‘big mouths,’ if there were no ‘big ears’? Those who are constantly engaged in foolish talk are only part of the problem; those who take delight in paying attention are also accountable. Simply listening may constitute your silent approval and contribute to the spread of hurtful gossip. So when talk about someone gets out of hand, you may have to show some courage and say, ‘Let’s change the subject.’
3. Do Not Overreact to Gossip: Most people enjoy gossip as long as the gossip is not about them. On the other hand, suppose you are the victim of an ugly rumor or false story. Sometimes it is possible to track down the source of the story and calmly straighten matters out. But what if you cannot?
Your getting angry accomplishes nothing.Gossip is a fact of life, and at one time or another, you have probably been an active participant in it yourself. Is the matter really worth getting upset over? Will it most likely fade away after a while? There is “a time to laugh,” and perhaps showing that you have a sense of humor, laughing it off would be the best way to extinguish the rumor.
4. Do Not Add Fuel to the Fire: If the story simply refuses to die, ask yourself: ‘Could it be that I am giving others a reason to gossip? Am I perhaps behaving in a questionable manner, giving the appearance of wrongdoing?’ Consider the following situations:
□ A woman’s coworkers call her lazy and undependable behind her back—even though she carries out her duties satisfactorily. Why the bad reputation? For one thing, she manifests a carefree, easygoing attitude that is easily misinterpreted as laziness. Her grooming is far too casual for the business setting she works in. Finally, she is indiscreet in her handling of personal phone calls, talking loud enough to attract the attention of the whole office staff. Hence, the gossip!
□ A local storekeeper is the talk of his small community. Rumor has it that he has been unfaithful to his wife. The man vehemently denies the false allegation. The cause of the rumor? His reputation for being unduly familiar with female customers.
□ A teenage girl is spoken of as having loose morals. Some claim that she has several lovers and that she is a cocaine user. All the stories are false. But she is known for associating with individuals who are part of the drug scene. She is extreme in her dress, hairstyle, and makeup.
Gossip is here to stay. However, it must be respected for its potentially destructive power. You can avoid much heartache and grief for yourself and others simply by following these wise words: "Mind your own business!"
Diskusi – part 2
11 years ago
